Yes, I AM a sad, angry, hairy-legged prude

[gryphonsegg]

I've been feeling down on myself today because I didn't do much this weekend (and I haven't been eating very wisely, which doesn't help). So I decided I'd better go walk around outside to get some exercise and not let my mood sink too low. This plan was starting to work, at least a little bit, I was feeling better, when suddenly, some douchebag on a bike rode by and just had to comment on my looks. So now I feel like total crap, and I can't stop reviewing everything I did and how everything I did, failed to do, and felt about the situation was all wrong.

I should have worn a different shirt because this one is too breast-tastic, but it's the only one I had clean when I got dressed (I literally have laundry in the dryer right now). I shouldn't have carried a purse because that makes me look too feminine, but these pants have teeny-tiny pockets. So I should have worn different pants too, but I wasn't planning to go out when I put them on, and I wasn't thinking about how target-like I looked when I decided to go out. And I feel weirdly betrayed by reality because a while back, I decided that I was officially too old and too fat for this crap. I know intellectually that thinking like that is buying into a pack of patriarchy-supporting lies, but part of me really, really wanted to believe that I was finally old enough and fat enough to be safe. I let my guard down. And when it happened I should have said something, but I honestly could not think of anything except "But I'm 30 and fat! This can't be happening to me!" And then I realized that not only had I failed to speak up, I had done this stereotypical stuck-up, grossed-out, prissy girl "Ugh!" face and upper body recoil. And I was still doing it several seconds later, even as I continued on my way. So even when I am expressing disgust at being objectified, I apparently cannot stop myself from doing so in the most exaggeratedly effeminate way possible, short of literal pearl-clutching.

So, anyway, I give up. I'm not going to claim to be genderless or genderqueer or asexual or anything anymore. I'm just a prudish, easily squicked, bad-tempered, rude woman who is terrible at being a woman and hates being a woman but can't change enough to fix it. And I need to stay pissed off about that for a while longer, because staying angry helps me not get depressed about it.