Failure to advance
May. 9th, 2011 04:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gryphonseggI didn't get into a doctoral program this year either.
How many times is it normal to get rejected before you get in? I applied to two programs last year and three different programs this year. The professor in one of the programs seemed genuinely interested/impressed and took a long time to decide but ultimately went with someone else. The message I got about that said good things about my qualifications, but I don't know if they were just trying to be polite. I know I'm not the hardest worker in the world, and I took too long to finish my MS because I was lazy and indecisive and having mood issues, but I did finish and I think I was young enough when I started that maybe I should get the benefit of the doubt on how much I've matured and learned to be a better worker since then. I've struggled for more than twenty years with the fear that I'm really stupid, but this year I evaluated the evidence and found it was impossible to go on believing I'm not smart enough to understand the kind of work I want to do. Besides, the people who interviewed me commented that I seemed extremely intelligent, which they didn't have to do, so I really don't think I have any reason to go back to blaming my lack of success on my lack of intelligence. I used to have a lot more emotional problems than I do now, and I wonder if that comes through in my history-- I don't have bad grades, but I bounced around so much as an undergrad and then took so long on my master's, I must look like a total flake on paper. Okay, that might have been a fair assessment of my character a few years ago, but I've been working a non-grad-school-related job and supporting myself for three years, while finishing my MS during one of them and paying student loans for two. I'm reasonably responsible and dependable now.
I want to reapply to the program that almost accepted me and try to get in for the following year. I started looking at some other programs I want to try next time too. I've thought about applying for a non-degree-track job in a lab just so I can have something that's more research-oriented on my resume, but maybe that wouldn't work for the same reason doctoral programs keep rejecting me. I'm terrified that I come across as so unreliable, nobody who sees my academic will take me on until I've been working outside the field so long that my qualifications become obsolete. I really, really want to do research. I really, really want to move on with my life instead of flailing around going nowhere. But I can't-- not this coming fall, anyway.
How many times is it normal to get rejected before you get in? I applied to two programs last year and three different programs this year. The professor in one of the programs seemed genuinely interested/impressed and took a long time to decide but ultimately went with someone else. The message I got about that said good things about my qualifications, but I don't know if they were just trying to be polite. I know I'm not the hardest worker in the world, and I took too long to finish my MS because I was lazy and indecisive and having mood issues, but I did finish and I think I was young enough when I started that maybe I should get the benefit of the doubt on how much I've matured and learned to be a better worker since then. I've struggled for more than twenty years with the fear that I'm really stupid, but this year I evaluated the evidence and found it was impossible to go on believing I'm not smart enough to understand the kind of work I want to do. Besides, the people who interviewed me commented that I seemed extremely intelligent, which they didn't have to do, so I really don't think I have any reason to go back to blaming my lack of success on my lack of intelligence. I used to have a lot more emotional problems than I do now, and I wonder if that comes through in my history-- I don't have bad grades, but I bounced around so much as an undergrad and then took so long on my master's, I must look like a total flake on paper. Okay, that might have been a fair assessment of my character a few years ago, but I've been working a non-grad-school-related job and supporting myself for three years, while finishing my MS during one of them and paying student loans for two. I'm reasonably responsible and dependable now.
I want to reapply to the program that almost accepted me and try to get in for the following year. I started looking at some other programs I want to try next time too. I've thought about applying for a non-degree-track job in a lab just so I can have something that's more research-oriented on my resume, but maybe that wouldn't work for the same reason doctoral programs keep rejecting me. I'm terrified that I come across as so unreliable, nobody who sees my academic will take me on until I've been working outside the field so long that my qualifications become obsolete. I really, really want to do research. I really, really want to move on with my life instead of flailing around going nowhere. But I can't-- not this coming fall, anyway.
