starting over

The next academic year is starting, and with it another round of graduate school applications for the following year (come on, third time's the charm, right?) and increase in my work hours. I also need to put some serious effort into making the trip to stay with my mom at Christmas. It feels like it's been centuries since I hugged her in real life, and I really need to visit my grandmother because she's not doing well. I wish I could do this without dealing with the rest of my family (well, there are a couple of cousins I'd like to see again, and it sounds like my father has become a bit easier to deal with, but there are still so many people and so many issues I don't want to deal with at all). Also, I wish I somehow make sure I won't run into any one I used to go to school with. I've had some really uncomfortable surprise encounters on previous visits. Weirdly, two of the people who used to bully me have apologized, and both encounters were just as awkward for me as the ones with people who pretended we used to be friends or people who still obviously had a lot of distaste for me. On one hand, I'm glad that the people in question realized their past behavior was hurtful and will presumably discourage any children they have from treating others that way. On the hand that's starting to shake again, I'd rather have avoided the whole thing entirely. I prefer not to recall that part of my life at all. No, I didn't get a sense of closure. No, I haven't felt anger at them (the two who apologized or the many more who didn't) in years. I just want to leave it all alone. I have a master's degree, I am slogging forward on the way to my goal of a doctorate, and in the meantime I have a job which, while not my dream job, is a pretty good fit for me. I have friends now, I know people who respect me and think I'm good at my job and an okay person to be around. I don't want to get dragged back into the past, especially since it would be really unfair to my mother if I have to lean on her again while she has her hands full taking care of her own mother.